Pyrrhic – of a
victory won at too great a cost to have been worthwhile
It’s so easy to be stubborn, to refuse to see the signs of
defeat, and to continue to push ahead. Particularly, all of these things are
easy to do when one is so committed to an end goal, to seeing the finish line
of a journey that was started with sound mind and body. I’m considering this
word quite a bit this week as I begin to unravel exactly what this journey
through my MFA has actually cost me, and whether or not it was worth it. By no
stretch can I consider my education to be pyrrhic in any way – the battles I’ve
won, like my newest manuscript, and those I’ve lost, like the earliest work I submitted
to my esteemed professors (who were kind enough to nurture me along, even
though the work was for shit!) all point to the root joy in this process. And
yet, as I start to wrap up this phase in my life, I have to think also about
what else I’ve sacrificed … the countless nights I couldn’t hang with the
girls, or go out and do things because I needed to be sitting in front of my
screen, or being so exhausted that I can barely function, or never actually
being present because my mind has been on my work … I’m fortunate enough to
have a great group of family and friends who have understood just how important
this has been for me. So sure, my MFA hasn’t been a pyrrhic victory all the
way, but there have been enough sacrifices made that have made me really
question what I’m doing.
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