Trust the Process

Trust the process. That’s the mantra this month.

Truth is, I had a major meltdown the other day about all things food. This shit is hard. Like really fucking hard. The fact that I’m writing about my eating disorder this month, coupled with residency approaching and the litany of other shit going on in my life is … a lot.

I’m overwhelmed, underfed, overly tired. And the thing is – I can control all of these things. I can chose to eat more, eat the right foods to fit my macros, fuel my body the way it needs so that I don’t feel overwhelmed, and so that I rest well. But. That’s where and how this disorder nestles into the brain. My mind tricks me into thinking that one more rep, one less bite, one more hour awake completing tasks will somehow sustain me further or fulfill some need.

That’s not really the case.

Coach nixed me moving up to 1400 calories a day. I’m not ready. He knew it before I did, but he let me come to that conclusion on my own. Sure, I ate at almost 1200 every day last week, but I exercised like a fiend, doing three double sessions on top of my already ninety minute workouts. Beast, right? Yea, until I did the math and saw how few net calories I actually retained.

Shit’s whack. I had a moment last night where I just gave in. It was akin to that dark Thursday I wrote about at the start of this blog – the one where I rolled around on the floor howling like a child. Yea, something like that … except this time, I chose the light instead of the dark. I set an intention under the full belly of the Scorpio moon and decided enough is fucking enough. I’m sick of this shit running my life. Tired of being tired. I realize, and I accept the fact that I cannot keep doing this to my body.

So today, I started anew. Began again the process I’ve started so many times before. It’s after ten in the evening here, and my calories stand at 892. I lifted for almost two hours, so I earned around 200 calories (that’s estimating low, but I’d rather under estimate than go over) … I want to go to bed, but I’m going to force myself to get to 1200. Protein shake, here I come.

Tomorrow, I’m going to begin discussing nutrition and the role that it plays in the life I lead.  #macrolife