Hippie Skittles and the Flux

Reality is no longer elusive. So says my dear friend, Premo.

Like me, Premo is in a flux. He’s making and has made some big life changes. And like me, he’s finding some days that the changes are manageable and others, so hard to keep. I guess that’s part of what change is … and why it’s a process and not just a moment. Hell, if change were easy, goals would be cakewalk. But change isn’t like a luxurious run on the beach at sunset. It’s hard and it takes a fuckton of work. It’s easy for me to revert to my old ways – to restrict, to overexercise, to say mean and vile things to myself simply because it’s the most comfortable for me.

Yesterday, my mind was tricking me again, flashlighting everything shitty and nothing amazing. I wrote about my squats and that moment with the Ace Hood song. What I didn’t write about is what happened after … not after I read in the backyard, letting the almost-summer sun soak into my skin, or enjoying the way the breeze tickled my toes after a long session at the gym. I didn’t write about how divine my afternoon nap was, or the restfulness I felt for just a short, fleeting moment when I woke. I chose to focus on the negative because that’s what I know best.

Well fuck that.

What’s the point in moving forward if all I’m going to do is look back?

One of my most revered Bhakti yoga teachers, Christen Bakken, generally says the same thing when she’s led a practice into Warrior 2. She tells us to lean back, and reminds us (in her words) “That ain’t right,” and then has us lean forward … and says the same thing, “That ain’t right.” The lesson she’s imparting, at least for me, is that looking back or looking forward serve us no purpose. It does not advance the present, nor does it offer any truth. It simply puts us in a situation that might be comfortable at the onset (leaning back in Warrior 2 is a great hip opener, and forward always opens my back something delicious) but in the end … isn’t where we need to be.

So like Premo and like Christen, I’m reminding myself that reality is no longer elusive. I am here. In this moment. Present as present gets.

With that, I’m off to eat some protein popcorn (yes, I’ve managed to find a way to make popcorn fit my macros) and hippie skittles (damn, frozen dried cherries are tits) with a very J meal of quorn and quinoa. Food is fuel.