Determined

Well, I did it. I managed to get to 1200 yesterday. Doesn’t take into account the exercise, but I can’t focus on that. This is a one day at a time kind of venture, and I am even considering approaching it one hour at a time.

Today has been better. I allowed myself rest – slept in, even though my alarm sounded at 630. My body needs to recover, needs to lie supine in order to build muscle and repair. At 730, I thought enough was enough, rose and made my coffee. Instead of rushing to the gym, as I typically do on my Wednesday’s off, I dallied in the lab. Worked on grad school stuff, looked at the timeline for deadlines for my PhD, made up some new recipes, and even splurged and made some Vietnamese coffee Ghost brought for me from his recent trip. 

And guess what happened? I got to the gym two hours later than typical … and the world didn’t end.

Holy shit, right?

I know.

I took control in releasing control. I allowed myself to step outside of the rigorous time table that I set for myself and enjoy my morning off.

My session took two hours, as I expected it would. Instead of finishing at eleven, I finished at one. I had a slight moment of panic when I realized the time, until I realized it’s my damn day off, and I can spend it, every single precious and beautiful moment however I see fit.

After my sweat, I read a bit for school and took a nap. Another step out from my norm. It felt wonderful to drift off to the sounds of little kids playing, delivery trucks, dogs barking. Somewhere in the distance, a lawnmower. Church bells woke me at four.

Part of this process, the recovery that I’m seeking is allowing myself the freedom to deviate. Not having to control every single moment is the first step in knowing that I don’t have to control every single calorie, gym session, moment in this life. It’s called living, not schedule planning. #duh