Weighing In

Fitness Friday

I’ve been trying to post more videos to my social media feeds that showcase some of the feats of my physical prowess. It’s as much because I’m proud of what I’m able to do as because it serves as benchmark for me, a way to measure where I am and where I once was.

I’ve been taking weekly progress photos since March, and it’s startling to see the transformation that I’ve managed to make over these nine months.

When I pull images for these blog posts, without fail, I come across some of my progress photos. Since residency starts this week, I’ve been looking back at images from May and my last residency. Ooof. It’s ridiculous to see the transformation that I’ve managed over the last six months. This first image is me in May at residency, and the second is me last Friday. The difference is palpable, for sure. I even look happier in the November picture. Truth is, I am. I love crushing weights, pulling and pushing more than I ever thought I could. I don't love that clothes fit for shit, and that I feel heavier.But look at these quads!

I’m definitely a few pounds heavier, but my booty is round like a bubble and my lats are starting to pop something serious. Because of my eating disorder, it can be incredibly challenging to see photos of a leaner version of me and not start feeling shitty about myself. It might be subtle to others, but I can see the way I’m carrying the weight I’ve gained over the last six months. Ten pounds on my frame is a lot! I know that the majority of it is muscle, and because of the added weight, I can lift heavier. But damn if it doesn’t fuck with my mind. Thing is, I can’t have it both ways. I can’t strive for PR’s (like my deads last week at 215) or crush sprint work (like I did on Monday) and be as lean as I used to be. I see the way my quads are popping now, the way they were non existant in May and I want to keep this momentum going. But it’s a tough perspective to maintain when everything in my brain screams for me to restrict and cut my calories … I suppose this sort of perspective is one that most folks who lift and eat clean deal with, so I know I’m not alone. But it’s a bit tough! I’m reminding myself today that my lift numbers won’t go up until my calories go up and this is called bulking season for a reason.

I’m such a goal oriented person – I like seeing the end result, or at least knowing my aim. Since I’ve decided to take an auxiliary term at Spalding, I’ll be back next May for one more round of fantastic residency love. It is my aim to have my lifts all up to elite numbers by next May, and have found a balance . in my weight … or at least, what I perceive to be my ‘weight.’