Choosing Sides

Tuesday Truth

Lifts are progressing these days. I was working shoulders on Saturday and found that the 15kg bar with 2.5lb plates on either side wasn’t as much of a struggle as it used to be. Solid work, given the fact that I’ve been dedicating most of my free time to this quest.

That said, I’m beginning to wonder my intent with this process. I started lifting as a requisite to force myself to eat. I couldn’t train if I didn’t eat, and so it all worked. Somewhere along the way, I got it in my head that I needed to compete in an NPC show. I’m not even sure when that idea came into my mind – probably sometime last autumn after Voyin left for Jappa and I remained here, trying to make sense of what it was I was doing with my life. It seemed to fit.

So I fucked around a while on my own at a box cutter gym, thinking I was making progress. It was only after finding Beat that I realized most of the work I’d been doing was building a base of strength, but had nothing to do with aesthetics … Realizing and being aware that all NPC shows are based solely on looks, I’ve had to readjust my vision and my hustle.

I like lifting because I like being strong. I like knowing I can press whatever what over my head, or from a bench, balance a bar across my back and squat down deep. Pull up a weight from the ground and keep good form.

Training my body for a show means that I still train these muscle groups – but I train them for looks and not function. It’s like having a baller ass Benz that looks amazing but can’t drive well on the highway. What’s the point? Now, I’m not exactly sure.

I guess I need to figure out if I want form or function, if my goals are to be strong and beastly or to look pretty and muscled. There’s such a difference, and while I know that most folks don’t see the difference between the two, it’s a really big deal for me. The truth is, I sort of want both. I always want both of whatever it is I’m doing. But realistically, I’m not going to achieve both without compromising one for the other.

It’s just like everything else in life. Selecting one path will undoubtedly close off another. Like most things, and like Ghost was so quick to point out on Saturday, my issue is more with choosing and less with staying committed once I’ve made the choice. Sheesh, who knew lifting weights would be this complex?