Pensive, not Peevish

Wednesday’s Worry

I worry I am becoming a bitter bitch.

No seriously.

It’s one of the major things that keeps me up nights. In my most secret thoughts, it unnerves me to consider that past experiences might have left me still angry, hurt, or harboring resentment. I try to live a life full of gratitude – really, I do. I make sure to give thanks and see the beauty in these days. I stop for reflection and consider how my actions will be received and perceived by others. But even my most valiant efforts give me pause. When I’m feeling super hard on myself, it’s easy to list the reasons why I suck. And when I start listing those reasons, then I start to worry. It’s a revolving sort of bullshit race that my mind plays and it’s taxing after a while.

There have been countless moments in this life that have offered me a chance to just say fuck it and throw in the towel, but for whatever reasons, I’ve always managed to stand back up before the bell rings for the round to be over. Tenacity and fortitude are qualities that have long been engrained in my  very being, and folks who know me know I don’t quit – or stop – until I get what I want. These are admirable traits to be sure, but they also can harden a soul. This might be one of my biggest worries, that which causes me anxiety, unease, and uncertainty. While this might be an imagined fear, it is still something that makes my stomach bubble with questions … replace the word bitter with anger, hurt, or resentment and then it really seems like I am bitter.

But I can’t be! At least not yet, right? I want to live in light. I want to shine, to offer the world a bit of joy, to give rise to my voice and find a place. I guess I could maintain a resting bitch face and fall to bitterness. It would probably be easier than constantly propping myself up … but then, what’s the fun in that?