Carved and Solid

Wednesday’s Worry

I happened upon the word solus recently. An adjective, it’s generally used as a stage direction, and means that one is alone or unaccompanied. When I found this word, I thought immediately of the Bard and his famous words in As You Like It.

“All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players’ they have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages. At first, the infant, mewling and puking in the nurse’s arms” (139-144)”.

Alone or unaccompanied, I move through my days. It’s been a little over eighteen months since I returned from my exile to the north. While I’ve made significant progress with all things writing and fitness, I’m still very much alone … of course I have fantastic siblings, girlfriends and my Anya. I’m grateful for these connections and I do all I can to continue to cultivate these relationships. But, I’m still as alone as I was driving down 71 that day in February 2014, Ghost driving the U-Haul and Buck following behind. 

I worry that I’ve become so accustomed to rising in a bed alone, returning to my Space alone, finding ways to fill my days and not think about my singleness that I will never be able to readily come back into the fold of a partnership. Truth is, I really want it – I want the connection that can be found when one’s heart sings for another, when every breath and every moment is lived under the grace and umbrella of someone’s love. This last year and a half has offered me great pause – I’ve learned, discovered, examined, and found new ways to approach my life and begin achieving my goals. Chmok and Anya have both maintained that I should focus on my work, that Love will find a way to my door when it’s time. I have to believe they are correct. But still, I worry I’m to live my days forever as a solus woman.