Full Circle, of Sorts

Thursday’s Thought

I used to think that grand displays of emotion were needed to show folks that I care. Like in order to let someone know they really matter, I thought that I needed to offer up tangible pieces of me. It’s no secret my heart lives on a pulley system, and it is easily pulled and swayed in myriad directions at any given time. This is why it’s easy for me to get behind causes and movements; I always want something better for the next person than that which might (or might not) have been offered to me.

This pulley system gets me into trouble sometimes though, too. It’s far too easy for me to become enamored with an idea, a perspective, an eventual … and then it consumes me. I’m guilty of this not only in my friendships and relationships, but also in the ways I approach my life. I’m a go big or go home kind of girl, and most of the time that works really well.

But the times that it doesn’t work make every single success pale in comparison.

I want to be a beacon of light for those in my world – someone to whom they look to for guidance and support, or a swift kick in the ass when it’s needed. And because of that, I’ve often over extended myself … saying yes, yes, yes at times when I should have said, “I love you but I can’t.” Maybe this is a maturity sort of lesson, or maybe I’m just to the point where I feel okay and comfortable saying no. I used to think that grand displays of emotion and action were the only thing that could prove to someone that I care, or that I’m committed, or that I want the best for him/her. Now I realize that it’s not those big showy moments. It’s the little ones, like sending my Chmok her first piece of mail at her new flat in Germany. Sending Ry motivating messages to Africa so he can see through the sand. When I was in my exile, I used to send my girls something just about every week … just to let them know I’m around and I care. I’ve been remiss in doing this lately, as much because I’ve been so holed up in the lab as because I’ve been trying to find my place in the world. Tomorrow, I have the pleasure and opportunity to reconnect with the Lovely Day One Ladies. And even though I haven’t been as present as I should have been these last few months, I hope they too believe it’s the little moments and not the big ones.