An Open Appeal

Tuesday Truth

Sometimes I get really fucking scared. Not just in the middle of the night when I wake up reaching for my firearm wondering where I am and what’s going on; or when I’m walking to my car at the beginning of dawn and wondering if there’s someone lurking in the shadows. Those are scary moments to be sure.

But sometimes, when I’m washing up dishes, or tapping out the framework for a story, or almost-failing on an incline bench press and my mind has travelled and wandered further than the immediate moment, I get scared. The future, the present, the past – they all offer their own shades of fear. Of my past, I’m most worried that I haven’t learned lessons from the poor decisions I’ve made back then. It troubles me to think how much I let caution go to the wind on too many occasions; that I’m still standing, in one piece with all of my limbs, is a feat to be sure. Of my present, I worry I’m wasting my time. The fear that I’m not utilizing every single day washes over me from time to time … which generally encourages me to hustle up and move faster. Not necessarily the best thing to do when one is trying to learn the art of patience, or the notion that things happen as they should, on the accord of the Universe and not the ticking of my watch. And of my future – holy hell. My future scares me so much because it’s so vast, wide open, possible and endless. That thought alone can keep me up at night for hours on end. I think because I’ve lived relying on myself to propel me forward for so many years, my fear stems from not doing enough, not being enough, not trying hard enough to make something of myself. I know it’s irrational – a quick glance at my CV or my publication list, or hell, even this blog, shows that when I set my mind to something I can make it happen. And yet.

Yet still I find myself paralyzed with fear from time to time, wondering if these steps I’m taking toward the next phase of my life are really what will serve me best, if what I’m doing in my silent moments will one day voice my story; I fear that the unknown is so decidedly infinite that I’ll never really find peace. Maybe that’s the culmination of all of these fears.

It’s during days like these that I return to what I know best – tapping truths and lifting heavy. The mental space offers me clarity, sure, but it also offers me a chance to prove to myself that what I’m doing in this EXACT FUCKING MOMENT is precisely what I need to be doing.

#grownfolktalk