Weighted Worth

Tuesday’s Truth

Like the rest of humanity, I’ve spent much of my days trying to live up to the expectations of others. Family and social pressures to perform, excel and achieve often leave me rife with a hollowed-out feeling, particularly when I have failed to do something to the caliber expected of me. As a result, I’ve developed this keen skill of being able to part and parcel my personal truths. I do this in feat that I might disappoint or push people away with my complete story, or that once the world realizes I’m not perfect, then my value as a human somehow diminishes. Let’s face it – my pedigree isn’t the most fantastic. But it’s also not the worst. In secret thoughts, I worry that the weight of one single experience will mark and define me and give the world reason to cast me out as being less than … insert whomever or whatever object to which I’m being compared.

In the logical parts of my brain, I know this is complete bullshit. One single event shouldn’t matter, and if it does, then the person defining me shouldn’t hold weight in my world … good luck convincing my brain of that truth!

Self-worth and being perfect are concepts with which I’ve long struggled. Blame the way I grew up. Blame the media. Blame me for wanting to always be perfect. I’ve long been captivated by the idea that if I’m not doing enough, then I’m not being enough. Total bullshit, I know. In between trying to live up to the standards of others, and the (somewhat and often) unrealistic expectations I set for myself, this mode of thinking has led me to the moon and back. It has imprinted in my subconscious the drive to gogogo. While I’ve found success in this constant high-efficiency lifestyle, I’ve made plenty of mistakes too.

What I’ve started to realize is that the quest for perfection should originate in the need for authenticity. Being authentic demands a human to wholeheartedly live and embrace each situation as it comes to her. Wrestling the scary stuff like shame and the fear of not being enough can be mitigated with ease and grace when one knows her worth. Letting go of the idea of what I think others want me to be and cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries and to allow myself to be vulnerable and needy at times is the only way to truly value who I am and what I have to offer.

I’m not perfect. And I’m learning to be okay with that.