I received disturbing news yesterday that caused this normally stoic and emotionally reserved writer to fall to pieces. In the middle of my lab, writhing on the floor, I howled like a child, letting tears flow freely. The cause of my duress is a wound that's been around a while, and just when I think it's almost completely healed, it opens again to reveal fresh pain.
I called Ghost and he offered me Buddha's parable about gifts and anger. Just because one is offered something doesn't mean one needs to or even has to accept it.
Last night was rough as shit, and I went to sleep with a heavy heart. I have a decision to make that will likely impact the way I approach the next phase of my life. This morning, I woke at four like usual and turned on TI's Motivation. This is a song I return to frequently in life because it reminds me to keep pushing forward. Bobbing my head with TI's words, I realized something.
This anger and this pain ... humbles me. Makes me remember I'm human, alive, not a woman made of steel. Even in the emo-ness of what I have experienced, I'm still moving forward, still motivated to see my goals through to the end. So fuck the noise and fuck the bullshit of feeling weak. Anger and pain can be just as strong a motivator as anything else.
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