Heat, Harden, Force

Tuesday Truth

Here’s a mind fuck of a truth. I have hated life for most of this year. There were long stretches – days and weeks, even months – where every single thing was a struggle. An internal fight to get up and well, life. Sometimes even just doing the dishes seemed like the biggest deal in the world, and doing dishes has always been such a joy for me! Laundry? Cleaning? Taking Loretta for a bath? All calamitous chores that required me to pump myself up so much that after the chore was complete, I was completely and totally spent. I wanted to throw the covers over my face and hide pretty much all the time, and spent a number of days doing just that. It came to my attention that living is hard work.

But know what’s harder? Not living.

I’ve been not living while living for far too long. And it’s whack. Takes too much energy and too much time to stay grumbly and cantankerous.

Hiding doesn’t do a damn thing except keep out folks who should be in, and draws me deeper into the well. Ghost told me recently that we walk through fire so that we might come out tempered. That is, of course, if we don’t melt, explode or fall to pieces. I can truthfully say that I’ve been walking through fire for a while now, and I didn’t melt. I had a few mini-explosions, but those were all self-contained and manageable. I feel comfortable saying that I’ve come out the other side of the pyre. My hardness and elasticity as a human, capable of sustaining and forging has been challenged this year. There have been some really tough moments. But I’ve found the counterbalance of my malaise; I’ve learned to neutralize the nonsense, alleviate the aggression and soften my sadness. It feels fantastic to know that I have been tempered indeed.