The Last Day Fast Approaches

2014.

How can I surmise a full year in five hundred words or less?  Let me try ...

This year presented with a fury of change, etched out of a cold northern winter.  The day I moved home, February 8, was snowy and bitter.  I left the hotel I'd stayed in the night previous and sat in an empty parking lot for hours, wondering if the decision I'd made (or the decision I was making) was the right one.  I talked with Efed, messaged with Ghost, spoke with Anya.  Everyone encouraged and reminded me that it was time to go.

So we packed a U-Haul four times the size of what I'd used to venture north seven years prior, and set out down 71.  I guess that was the true beginning of my year.  Though, for all intents and purposes, I spent the change of the year in my sunny yellow lab alone, tapping out truths on my machine.
Winter quickly gave way to spring.  I fell into a rhythm with Ghost and his boys, pitching in where I could, hitting the gym as much as possible, running fifty to eighty miles a week.  It felt great to push my body that far, but I was missing ... something.
Now I realize I was in mourning.  Mourning the loss of a life I was certain would take me on through the autumn of my life, one that I'd continue to build and craft just like any other project.  I ran so hard and so far that I broke some toes.  And you know what?  I kept running, all the way through the wet spring into summer.

O, summer in Cincinnati.  Exactly like I pictured and nothing like I remembered.  I expected more time with my girls, more evenings sitting on porches and patios, talking the night away.  But we're all so busy these days with obligations and life and whatnot.  So, what ended up happening was a lot of Kentucky nights with Voyin and his crew; it was a new kind of summer, and everything I needed to emerge from my sadness.
Autumn's rush of change found me one evening sitting on my sofa, crying after reading a novel that wasn't sad at all.  Darkness started to extend a creepy hand, and instead of playing into it, I stepped up and back.  Reached out to Willi, Edub, my fam, asked for help.  Threw myself into my work - finishing two manuscripts, launching this blog, a poetry group, realizing that my impact as a human, a writer, a survivor is only pertinent if I take the steps to make my voice heard.

And now, it's winter.  A time of renewal for me, though the weather suggests otherwise.  It's long been a season of contemplation, to reflect on the colder moments in life and find strength in the warm.  This insight, coupled with a supportive group, is helping me to stay strong.  Cold nights mean nothing if there is some semblance of love to be found in these winds.  I believe I've found that.

New Years Day will be eight years since the change of my life.  It is the anniversary of my rape.  This year, instead of cowering at the eight o'clock hour, I am going to walk into the cold sunshine of the morning and head to the gym.

Almost New!

they ask me what I do and who I do it for ...

Ok, so 2Chains might not be the greatest example of a way in which a human can expand her boundaries ... but the truth behind his lyric remains the same.  Ask me what I do and who I do it for and it's always the same answer.  I write and I do this for me, for you, my reader, my audience, but also my self ...
This is my intention board for 2015.  The backdrop is a map of Cincinnati, mainly because I love maps and I know that this upcoming year will result in a map move.  In the far right corner is a drawing of Quan Yin, my personal goddess, drawn out by my most amazing tattooist, Dryer.  If any of y'all are ever in the Nati and in need of good ink, let me know.  His touch is amazing, and he has effectively covered my body in the truths I haven't had courage to speak. 
Quan is one to suggest compassion when one wants to revert to anger.  Her mantra, Om Mani Padme Hum is inked on my back in Russian because I believe so fully in her words. It is commonly carved onto rocks or written on paper which is inserted into prayer wheels. When an individual spins the wheel, it is said that the effect is the same as reciting the mantra as many times as it is duplicated within the wheel.  Spin the wheel, recite the mantra; it ends up being the same thing, an effort into learning the way to being compassionate.
So in addition to image of Quan, this board has images of the National Book Award, the Pulitzer Prize Award, cover images of The Kenyon Review and Poetry Magazine as well as affirmations for running full marathons.  These are all things I want to accomplish in 2015, all target goals that I think are entirely possible, and that will happen in (some way) this year.
So.  Here you go, dear reader.  My life for '15 in an image.  

May as Well ...

... start today with the expose that will invariably come from this challenge :)

Christmas came early!  Came home to a box from Efed, replete with two pairs of tights and the SAME pair of shoes that I've been running in for the last three hundred miles.  My sister knows me well. #newkicks #oldkicks #samekicks

After a crazy intense HIIT cycling session, where I discovered I LOVE pushing pedals as much as I enjoy crushing miles, I was overjoyed to slit open a box from my Chmok, excited to see what was inside ... even more so to see that she chose the very same pair of shoes that I just love.

Overwhelmed doesn't do justice to the feeling of opening this box.  It was more a feeling of being complete, of knowing that even though we are separated by so many miles, my sister is right here with me, every step of the way - no pun intended, of course.

It's been a long journey, with me and Efed, but it's one that has happened exactly as it should.  I'm blessed and lucky to count my sister as my best friend.  She gifted me some amazing "J" note cards - I can't wait to send them out... love me some mail :)

So yah, this is life.  Grateful, happy, whole.  Yogi Bhajan would be proud, I think.
Sat Nam.

вызов - challenge

A challenge ... as in a query into the truth of something, with an implicit demand for proof.

Querying my own truth, with a demand for proof, the commitment I have to writing, to keeping up with these words, to progressing as a writer in 2015.

... so, since I don't have enough going on in my world right now, I thought I'd task myself with a fun challenge.  (Anya, I'm borrowing this from you!)

For 2015, I am going to commit to writing one blog a day.
About what?
Who the hell knows.
Whatever strikes my fancy, whatever I'm chewing on for the day, issues, thoughts, rambles ... likely it will be a lot of rambles, but I'm going to try to keep it focused thematically - change, renewal, growth, all these fun things I love to see in life and seek to offer to others.

If y'all have topics you'd like to read about, please feel free to ask in the comments.  (And, that'd be great to know someone is actually reading this!)

Talk soon.

Renewal

Girls Dinner was a roaring success!
The evening reminded me of every reason why I pined so much for home - having my soul sisters in my space, entertaining, playing games, laughing - it was everything I missed for so long while I was away.  Thankful and grateful to be back.
This year was a small group, but it was perfect.  Edub was glowing, she's so happy with her man.  Willis is on track to close on her house, and is on top of her research.  Sunny has embraced the role of exec of a multi-million dollar company like I always knew she would.
At one point, I looked around at these women who are such gifts to me and felt my eyes welling.  It's a rare thing to be able to say I've known these girls for damn near twenty years and we're still going strong.  I feel blessed.
There was a point in the evening that we were all laughing so hard, so loudly, so intently that I felt like we were back when back was now and now was just some future moment.  Does that make sense?  What I mean is, I felt at home, for the first time in a while.  Epic, this dinner.
So, on to the next one.   I don't know who will be hosting, but I'll come back for it.  Next year will mark six years strong of a tradition borne when Willis lived in Oakley and I just wanted a reason to carve out an evening with my girls.  Even though priorities change, life commitments come to the surface, it's a welcomed feeling to know that my girls are always there.

One of My Favorite Days!

It's that time again!  Annual Girl's Christmas Dinner :)  This is one of my favorite days for so many reasons.
Fifth year and we're still going strong.  This dinner started as a way for the girls of my group to separate from their family lives and partners for an evening during the holidays, gather round for good food and wine, and to just ... be.  So important for women to have, as Virginia so eloquently put it, a room of one's own ... or a party of one's own, in this case.
We need this time away.  Away from stress, obligations, kids, expectations, to let down our guards, slow the incessant task lists of our minds, and just be.
Though each year has changed a bit, the theme has always remained the same.  This is our night!

Finally, I'm home and I can host.  A nice and easy menu planned - sweet potato rounds, eggplant parm bites, a brie, some veggies, carrot muffins and veggie bites.  Simmy is bringing a sweet, and Willis and Edub are bringing the grapes.  Small group this year, but that's a nice reminder that it's not about the quantity of friends, but the quality.

Willis, Simmy and I have a tradition of wearing a Bengals hoodie and taking a photo.  It's Willi's turn this year.  I can't wait to see the side by side comparisons of the pictures.

During my meditation this morning, I reflected on the root chakra - that fiery ball of red that sits with my Kundalini spirit and keeps me grounded.  I started considering what it is that keeps me grounded in this life spinning a thousand directions.  Sure, it's my craft and my art, the countless hours I spend tapping truths, or logging miles, lifting heavy.  But it's also my soul sisters, these girlfriends who have been around for yes and no, ugly dress phases and I'm-working-so-I-haven't-showered-in-a-week phases.  These women are my ground, my root.  Thank you :)

Hunting Trees

Tree hunting earlier today with Ghost and his fam.  The boys were in rare form; the three oldest ones rode with me to the tree farm.  We were 'listening' to a TED talk about the circularity of silence.  Funny thing is, there was no silence in my Honda.  The irony was lost on them, but poignant for me. After about twenty minutes, I suggested we play the "Quiet Game" which has changed a bit since I was a girl.  Now, you can pause the game to say something.  I guess that's technology reeling it's hand.

We hunted and hunted for this tree.  After about thirty minutes, Ghost and Michee found the one that spoke to them.  It's perfect, isn't it!?  This photo is Ghost dragging the tree back to the car.

During my exile to the north, I missed out on these kinds of things.  Ghost would tell me about these sorts of family moments, the ones that create tradition and encourage a family unit ... and I always felt a sad sort of longing, mainly because I was so far away.  Today's schedule didn't pan out as I planned (ended up lifting in the afternoon instead of the morning) but I'd gladly give away my temporal rigidity for these kinds of moments.

What strikes me most about the experience of today is that we're all a bit like trees.  There's a saying that goes - "If you don't like where you are, move.  You are not a tree."  That sentiment carried me over these last twelve months.  I am not a tree, true story.  But I do like where I am.

Christmas Cards

Just finished writing out and addressing my Christmas cards for 2014.  What a year.  Good, bad, otherwise ... I learned a lot during this revolution of the sun.  Mainly, I learned what it means to be a friend, and what it means to have a friend.
There's a difference between the two, right?  Being a friend might mean meeting a girlfriend for an impromptu happy hour, or it might mean waiting for an hour for a pedi on a Sunday afternoon (Willi!) or it might mean ... just being there, to listen, wax poetic on bullshit, commiserate on the woes of the world.  When changes happens, one learns quickly who is a friend and, well, who isn't.
At the precipice of the close of this year, I can't help but think of those who have helped me along the way.  This has been a bitch of a year.
Blog-sphere or real-sphere, I feel obliged to give props to the folks who have helped me continue to see the light.
Of course, the obvies like Ghost and Efed, the best brother and sister a girl could ever ask for top the list.  I'm lucky and blessed to have such great siblings with whom I can connect, communicate, commiserate, and even more so, enjoy!  I know there are so many sibling dynamics that don't have the same situation.
But Family goes so much deeper for me.  Maybe it's because I have no parents.  I'm not sure.  But, I feel it noteworthy ... so, here goes.
Thank you to:
Willis for being boss, a gem of a human and a light of a friend.  You and Simmy (my sun!) have helped this transition into Nati life be so much easier.  Edub for being a rock, no matter the weather - that woman always has an umbrella in hand.  B Weeze, you know how to keep things moving, and have helped more than you realize, My sweet Anya, who encourages, reels me in and keeps me on the narrow, I know my life wouldn't be the same without you.  Cousin Paul, you remind me of the holler life we seek to exceed, artist James, you keep me inked in the right ways; Rubin, you're a stellar human and a gem; ERock, you bring a light to my days that is unmatched, Gussy, you know how to keep the fire lit, Sigafit, you remind me of what the Price Hill days were meant to be ...

Mostly, in this season of giving thanks and counting blessings, I return to the truth I found in the ghetto, and know that what I learned on those streets is unmatched and untouched by anything this world round.  I'm thankful, grateful, and blessed to have made it out - alive, whole, inked and scarred, a woman of strength and determination.
Happy holidays, y'all!

Wednesday's Wisdom

It's amazing, isn't it, the way Spirit gifts one the exact truth that one needs to see?

Last night, I went for a run after work and came home to a rabbit standing peacefully in my yard.  She didn't hop off at the sound of my car, or my clomping through frosted grass, but stood there, watching.  (Or, at least I imagine that's what she did, since I couldn't exactly see her, but you get the idea.)  The rabbit has long been my spirit animal, the one in the pantheon of guides with whom I resonate the most.  There's a Russian proverb that says, "If you chase two rabbits, you will not catch either one."  True story, but hard to apply some times.  The point of this is that as a writer (and a human, really) I find myself consistently being pulled in multiple directions, all the while trying to maintain my path.  Last night's Spirit gift was a wonderful reminder and a gentle nudge to stay the course, keep my path, honor the process.  (Side note, if you follow my instagram at jess_write you'll see that most of my posts surround these themes.)

Even more wonderful is that yesterday, I sent a long rambling email to my Spirit Mother, Anya, lamenting the confusion of this life, and not only did she take the time to write back promptly, but she offered suggestions and a plan on how to make life happen.  Blessed, I am.  Thank you, Anya!  The direction she sees when I can't find a light is marvelous.  She is a marvel.

To that, I should note that I was able to reconnect with a long-lost friend yesterday who I haven't seen in FIFTEEN years.  What the hell, man, when did I get so old that fifteen years could even pass?  The evening was a wonderful reminder of every reason why.   We talked about old times, the Price Hill days, the old crew.  Funny thing though, our conversation didn't just revolve in cloudy reminiscing.  We spoke of dreams and aspirations, truth found in circumstances.  Yes, Yes, Yes.  Thanks again, Universe!

So, tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and while it's a day where everyone suddenly decides to be thankful for x, y, and z, I'm going to branch out here and say that every day, I find something for which I can give thanks.  Yesterday, that email and my rabbit.  Today, the opportunity to be sitting in my lab, writing, crafting and dreaming.

Kind of comical though that the day where this country comes together to 'be thankful' is rife with over-indulgences and gluttony.  Two rabbits, eh?

Happy Day, y'all.

Res is Over

Back to the lab after ten days of awesomeness ... what a whirlwind of amazing experiences.  This was my third residency with Spalding, and it seems like every time gets better, every time I leave with a greater truth, a stronger sense of who I am - not just as writer, but as woman, an individual, and a human.

My brother asked his girl to marry him yesterday!  I am so ecstatic for the happy couple, and realize that my travel plans are going to be orchestrated around their wedding.  Ghost, my brother, is my bestie (along with Efed, my sister) so I really want to be a part of their planning, the revelry of their union.  He proposed under water during a scuba lesson.  How cute, right?  Good stock, that kid.

I unpacked this afternoon, literally and figuratively.  The beauty of a low residency program is that it offers a nice haven of writerly suggestion with the caveat that the other world looms somewhere in the distance.  My flat welcomed me, of course.  Plants and faeries were well cared for by my good friend, Rubin.

So it's the week of Thanksgiving.  For lots of people that means obligations and nonsense and whatever other bullshit comes from American family conglomerates.  For the Evans clan, it means extending invitations to folks ... folks who know that family goes far beyond blood lines, that family is not just the standard "We grew up together, so we have to share a table" but is "We are kindred, so let's break bread"  ... our table is always open to good people.
Tonight, with trepidation, I extended an invitation to Rubin, a dear friend who was going to be alone on the one holiday that celebrates gratitude.  Of course, I talked about it with Ghost and Efed first, and both vehemently said YES, invite our friend!  It makes my heart happy to know that the invitation was well received and happily accepted.  Now I'm doubly looking forward to my favorite holiday - as much to share it with Ghost, his new to be bride, Efed, and the nephews, but also Rubin.

Wild and intense, the last ten days have birthed fourteen pages of poetry (what?!) a new short story and an idea for a novel.  Residency has ended, time to write my thesis, and pour into my work.  But first - first, I'll break bread with my family.

Residency Is Under Way!

Hello from res!  

It's been a whirlwind of a first day, but experience has taught me that residency always goes too quickly.  So, I'm trying to be present in every moment, in all conversation, and each lecture.  

What a wonderful community Spalding fosters.  Our beloved program director, Sena, begins each first dinner with the words, "Welcome Home."  At my first residency, I thought that was silly and strange.  I didn't understand that this community would quickly become my home.  Sena's words, I now see, are well chosen and perfect for the environment.  I am home.  Home amongst like-minded writer folk who become just as excited about one single line as I do.  Home alongside men and women who have 'other' careers that pay bills but hold out hope that their writing needs to be heard, read and enjoyed.  It's a nice reminder of why I do what I do.
This residency is a touch bittersweet though because it is the last time I'll be here with the members of my class.  Because of my Jappa move, I'll switch to extended semesters next summer and will attend my residency in Greece.  I'm not complaining about the Grecian adventure, but it is sad to think I won't graduate with these folks. All the more reason to remain and maintain presence in every moment!
My brain if filled with craft words, those buzzy sorts of adjectives and adverbs that I always forget I know until I'm back home.  Words like interiority to describe a character, structural elements, the narrative thread, the arch.  I miss these words when I'm not here.  I need to make a concerted effort to maintain a res mind when I go back to my city and my bill paying life.
Jappa is, of course, still on my mind.  I have some manga comics to look through while I'm here.  One of my res buddies spent a year teaching in Fukishima, so I've been picking his brain on things to do and places to visit.  And of course, I've told everyone that I won't be here come next May, so I have many promises to follow this blog. It will be a crazy, wild experience to be sure.  But it's something that I need to do.  Earlier today, we workshopped a piece written by a woman who is currently living in Qatar.  This is a global culture.  I know that I will be able to continue my writing career with ease once I'm across the pond.
To that, I always pick up a piece of Spalding gear at residency.  I've amassed a collection of t-shirts, a hoodie and a pair of sweatpants.  Forlornly, I walked past the bookstore today, not sure if I should pick up any new swag.  I'm trying to take only one suitcase with me on the move, so do I really need another piece of clothing?  
Maybe that's part of the lesson I'm learning in the prep for this life change.  All the stuff I think I need, all of the random dollars that have been gobbled at Target are really meaningless in the end. When I distill my life into the concept of taking only one suitcase, I realize I need my stones, my Sylvia and Ginny (stuffed cat/rabbit animals, respectively) this machine, my journal, running gear and my portable JBL speaker for tunes.  (Can't live without music!)  While the other things, fashionable clothes and shoes, scarves, my collection of mugs and all the fun art I've created over the years, are wonderful and have a place in life, they're all just ... things.  Damn, that's pretty zen.

Sixteen Weeks ... and counting

Strange space to be in ...

Residency is in a few short days, and while that's awesome and fab, it's also mad intense.  I have had a pre-reading list longer than my cumulative bibliography (well, not quite, but you know what I mean) and the pressures of trying to sell my stuff, figure out my move, declare my critical thesis, work on my creative work and maintain my training schedule has been ... overwhelming.

Usually, I go to Lexington to visit with my spiritual mother, Anya.  This term, my work schedule requires me to be at the office on Friday morning, so the trip was nixed.  I'm sad to be missing my time with her, and know that the send-off to which I'm accustomed (usually includes good home-cooked Hungarian-esque food, copious amounts of grapes, a fresh breakfast, and a packed lunch) won't be a part of this trip makes me nostalgic for res' past.  I can't believe it was a year ago that I started my MFA journey, even more so - can't believe how far life has led me.

This is a photo of the gift that Anya gave me to commemorate my first term at Spalding.  It's a window that she re-purposed, sanded and cleaned ... and took the time to make into art.  It's been hanging in my studio (in Columbus, and now in Cincinnati) and is gentle, albeit constant, reminder of where I've come and where I'm going.

If a perfect stranger told me this time last year that I'd be sitting in a lopsided flat near Xavier in the middle of Cincinnati while prepping for a move to Japan, I would've laughed.  Life has a way of presenting beautiful circumstances at the most interesting times.

So. While I'm anxious and excited for residency, reconnecting with friends I only see twice a year and the wonderful community that Spalding fosters, in the back of my mind, I am thinking of Japan and the life that awaits me in three short months.

Tonight I said "See ya later" to the lackadaisical attitude I've had toward my writing,  I say that somewhat in jest, seeing as I'm in my lab at least an hour a day ... But it's been without focus, I've just been tapping away because I want to.  Now comes the work.  I have to declare my thesis, begin crafting a critical essay (fifty pages of what?) that suggest and either refute or dispute a claim.  Argh.  It seems daunting to just tap it out.  But, it's a means to an end.  Soon, it won't be Nati streets I maneuver, but Jappa, and then, Germany.

Seventeen weeks to go!

I'm starting this blog today, seventeen weeks before I leave for Japan.  I'll be teaching English and yoga on the island of Shikoku for fifteen months, and then plan to go on to Germany for my PhD.  A bit about me, just to get it out of the way -

After dropping out of high school twice, I earned a GED and two undergraduate degrees in Linguistics and Sociology.  Currently in pursuit of my MFA in Fiction, I have dreams of earning a doctorate in comparative literature, and teaching at a university.  I think that my experiences can help to shape lives someway.  
Some of my words have been published in various places, which is humbling and awesome at the same time.  When I'm not bleeding my fingers on my computer, I'm lifting heavy and running.  

I grew up stupid poor, and by that I mean it's a wonder I stand upright and use cutlery.  It is by sheer willpower and determination that I escaped a life of EBT cards and waiting on the first of the month.
I speak Russian, am learning Japanese and will tackle German once I get to the land of the rising sun/son.  

I intend for this blog to be an airing of thoughts on my move across the pond, the experiences I have while there (and leading up to them) and general musings of the way life changes when life becomes what one imagines it to be.

I like crystal stemware, scented candles, and complimentary lighting.  I love the sound a cello makes on an early Sunday morning, can quote Tupac and Homer in the same breath and generally accept the fact that I am something of an enigma.

I've just spend eight years in exile from my childhood home of Cincinnati, and though I've been here for ten months, it still doesn't feel like home.  The move to Japan is much a culmination of a dream deferred (thanks, Langston) as it is a decided action to make something more of myself.  

I'm a writer by trade, but it doesn't pay.  Finishing up my MFA at the wonderful Spalding University in Louisville, KY, I don't want this blog to be so perfect that I would submit it to one of my elusive and wonderful professor mentors, but it's not going to be scratch either.  I'll dedicate myself, if you will as well.  Dearest reader, if you're taking the time to read the preface, I hope then that you will continue to read the rest.  

Musings will likely include the ways in which this move is impacting my life, both on a social and emotion level, the notion of living across the pond (and not just visiting) as well as my experiencing with Japanese culture, ex-pat life and looking for a path to love.    

I run hard, train harder and try to live a wholesome life.  Welcome to my world!